Breathing Through the Journey

This was a heavy question.

This was a question I needed to take time and think about.

Identity

I started struggling with my image and fear really took over. I became scared to do a lot of things.

Prior to my diagnosis, I was already struggling mentally. During COVID, I was one of those that gained a decent amount of weight—I called it the “COVID 20”.

Before COVID, I was very confident and didn’t give two fucks (apologies for the language, but it’s the truth and how I would explain it in person).

I was also a planner. Everything needed to happen when it was scheduled. I liked control. I liked knowing what the day looked like.

I started going to therapy, and while it has helped me manage a lot in my life, accepting and loving myself wasn’t at the top of my priority list.

Then the diagnosis happened.

And oddly enough… I can say I am slowly becoming that confident person again.

I do not have time for the BS anymore.

I can no longer successfully plan my days out the way I used to, and I’ve been forced to learn how to go with the flow. I am learning to be flexible—not just with life, but with myself.

I have to take care of myself. Be patient. Be understanding. And sometimes that means protecting my energy and being intentional about what I choose to spend my time on.

I’m also realizing I am still my strong self. I always knew I was strong— I had scoliosis surgery at 10 years old. I knew I could handle hard things. I just didn’t always believe I was still brave.

But I am.

Body Image & Health

Like I previously shared, I gained the COVID 20. Trying to lose the 20lbs has felt impossible. Until now.

This diagnosis has forced me to change.

I’ve been eating healthier. I barely drink. I’m watching sodium closely. And I’ve lost 10lbs in a short amount of time.

How much of that was fluid retention from my disease? Who knows.

But what I do know is that I’m feeling more confident. I feel healthier in ways I didn’t two months ago—not cured, not “healthy” diagnosis-wise—but stronger in how I’m caring for myself.

And that feels like a win.

Relationships

This is where things have shifted.

Going out and making plans has been difficult. The medication side effects over the past few months really took a toll on me. Recently it’s been getting better, but there’s always the uncertainty of dosage changes or new meds depending on test results.

It’s hard to commit when you don’t fully trust your body.

I’m also really bad at texting back these days. Sometimes I just don’t have the mental capacity to engage in conversation. I’ve become quieter.

It’s not because I’m avoiding anyone. I’m just tired.

Socializing around alcohol has changed too, I still drink, but rarely and not much. Being around people who are drunk can feel exhausting. I don’t have the patience for it like I used to.

BUT, there are also moments I genuinely enjoy being social—having a glass of wine with people I love and feeling normal for a little while.

It’s layered.

Some relationships have grown closer. My sister and I have gotten closer through this. She called me every day when I was in the hospital. She let me be fully honest honest about how I was feeling. That meant more than I can explain.

Some dynamics have changed. I’ve had less patience at times. And before you say I always had little patience—I’d challenge you on that. I’ve always been direct. I still am.

I’m incredibly grateful for the friends who have had patience with me these past few months. One o my friends is on her own health journey and will send me pictures of food with the sodium content included. That’s love and truly appreciate her.

At the same time, I’m still healing. Sometimes it’s hard to fully carry someone else’s burden when I’m trying to carry my own. That doesn’t mean I don’t care. If you know me, you know I show up. I always have my friends’ backs.

But I’ve had to be cautious about what I allow around me. I can feel the weight of other people’s struggles deeply., and right now I’m still building my own strength.

I don’t think it will always be this way. I think this is just the beginning of healing.

Fear & Strength

I am confident and hopeful that this journey will lead me back to being that badass person I used to be—maybe even a stronger version.

Some of my old fears have faded. But new fears have taken their place.

I fear pain. I fear something triggering more pain. I fear not having the capacity for more pain.

When I think something might hurt, I brace myself. I get anxious. I prepare for impact.

But somehow…I still get through it.

And that tells me everything I need to know about who I am.

I hope this answers your question. If you have more, send them my way! They may just end up here.